Dr Love, Yulisa Ahmadu: Is cheating a mistake or choice?

Written by Yulisa Ahmadu

Love doctor

Hi, it’s time to talk about Love... I am Yulisa Ahmadu, also known as Dr. Love, a relationship expert. I grew up in The Gambia and I currently host the most listened Love talk show in Sierra Leone.

Today, I want us to look at the topic: Is Cheating a mistake or a choice?

Firstly, let us note that relationships and cheating are very complex terms that inevitably unite at some point in our lives. The temptation of cheating enters every single relationship, in the form of an invitation or a doubt. So what is cheating then?

Cheating involves betraying a partner’s expectations about the type of contact they have with others. When a partner violates one’s expectations about what is appropriate, people feel betrayed.  Keep in mind that relationships are not based on logic, but they are influenced by our emotions. Cheating isn't only when you kiss another person, touch or flirt with someone else besides your partner. If you delete your text messages so your partner won't see them, you're already there.

So the big question pops up: Is Cheating a Mistake or a Choice?

Honestly, I want to let you know that cheating in a relationship is indeed a choice that we make. Remember people do the things they do because of a reason. Sometimes, it’s because they can’t control it or they can’t handle a certain situation any longer. They  simply go ahead and let it out by cheating.

So the fact is, anyone who cheats obviously cheated for a reason and it’s a choice they make! We cheat because we choose to. We can also choose to walk out of the relationship if it’s not working rather than cheat whilst we are still holding on to it.  Because if you think you are not complete with someone or you are not being treated right, simply shut the door and move on. At least it’s better than holding on and playing games at the same time.

So then what will make cheating impossible?

v  Commitment

v  Contentment

These two are the powerful tools to preventing cheating in a relationship, and a lack of either of them could be the main cause for one to cheat in a relationship.

Commitment: Many lovers will cheat because they are not committed to the relationship. They have other priorities which are far from being committed to you. This causes a great problem because “STAYING FOCUS’ in a relationship is what keeps you committed and faithful. The moment you find yourself not valuing the relationship, you will become less committed.

From experience, people are more likely to lose touch of a relationship if they feel less committed or begin to see the faults.. Remember ‘faults are thick where love is thin’. Funny things that used to be less important in the relationship will suddenly become hard issues you will have to argue about. All this happens because the commitment level is decreasing in the relationship.

 Eventually, you’ll cheat in a n attempt to cool off or have fun, the fun that’s missing in your relationship. They try to find it elsewhere. Cheating is the most disrespectful thing one human being can do to another. If you aren't happy in a relationship, end it before starting another one.

Contentment: Another great reason is being content in your relationship. You will never cheat if you are content with your relationship. But because we crave for more than we already have in the relationship, we end up go looking for more. We want more loving, more attention, more care, more phone calls, more money, material wants, etc.. So when your partner realizes that you can’t offer what they want or you can’t measure to their expectations, they’ll cheat.. In an attempt to get more.

Many marriages collapse because of lack of contentment. One or both partners are not content with each other.

It’s a hard fact, when you are committed and content with your relationship, you will have no reason to cheat. So it’s a choice we make we evaluate our relationship and go after the things we want that are not present in the relationship, forgetting that loving someone means allowing them to be happy even if it means we are never going to be a part of their happiness. But our chauvinistic tendencies allows us to be selfish, we want it all. The attention, the love, the happiness we feel we deserve more and so we go after it. Sometimes even if it means to cheat!

No wonder sometimes you find yourself so in love with someone, but because they lack a certain character or want, you will decide to sneak out and have an illegal affair; without ending the present relationship you are not content with. Seeking your happiness at the expense of the relationship. Listen, if it’s not working and you have done your best over and again to improve it but yet still no progress, do yourself the favor, let them go. But don’t hold on to it and cheat.

Cheating is a bad practice, so there is no justification for cheating! As the saying goes “If you marry a cheating girlfriend/boyfriend, he/she becomes a cheating wife/husband. Meaning, if you practice to cheat as a girlfriend/boyfriend during courtship you could cheat during marriage as well.

Therefore, Lovers, stop cheating in that relationship, it’s not a mistake but a choice you make. And today am offering you another choice. To ‘QUIT CHEATING’ or ‘CONTINUE CHEATING’...

It’s simple a matter of choice! Commitment and contentment put together are like an anchor. You stand like a tall baobab tree if you are committed and content in your relationship. You will not be easily moved by temptations because of your strength. Without these two, your relationship will be like a candle in the wind. This could go off at any time. Vulnerable to challenges of deceit and infidelity.  If you succeed in cheating someone don’t think that the person is a fool. Realize that the person trusted you much more than you deserved!

So do yourself the favour, the next time you want to go into a relationship or marriage, ask yourself these questions:

Is this really what I want?

Do I love him/her?

How do they feel about me? (Does he/she love you back, because you have to be where you are celebrated not where you are tolerated)

Am I sure of a future and security in this relationship?

Does he/she respect my Values, Religion and opinions? Etc.

If you can answer all of these questions with the positive then you are probably in the right relationship.

Don’t forget that not all relationships are made in heaven. There are those that were made out of a rush/urgency to have and not to give. And there are those that were made out of lust and not love. So cheating will become the order of the day, in such relationships. But like I said, it can be prevented by sticking to being committed and content in the relationship, otherwise let them go, rather than holding on n cheating.

Yulisa Ahmdau (Dr. Love)